All I Want For Christmas...

Mom and Me

All I want for Christmas is my "fire" back...I need to light the fire in me again for learning. I assume my lack of enthusiasm for studying is related to grieving for my mother who passed away in September of this year. I've been unable to get back into my regular rhythm since she began to take a steep decline in August and passed away in September. I can see it beginning to affect my children as well. My lack of fire is bringing them down too.

What to do?
In order to tackle this new challenge, for challenge is what it is, I need to analyze it. We all run into challenges and obstacles that get in the way of our education. So, I realized I need to take a step back and take a more objective view. I decided to treat myself like one of my Mentees and ask myself the deep questions.

What would I tell my students in the same situation?
One of the first things I would tell my students is to take time to grieve and to back off of strenuous study. Then, I would tell them to study the grieving process and learn about what they can do to help themselves. There is a process to grieving and it is important to "feel" all of the steps of grieving in order to uncover all the feelings and hurt.

"You can't heal what you don't feel."

Wow...I think I just told myself to grieve. Really grieve. I think I've been trying only partially to do that. I've been keeping myself so busy with serving others that I have no time to really contemplate what I need to do. I buried myself into others. But, then I wonder isn't that part of what people tell us to do? We are always told to "lose ourselves in service" and "forget yourself and serve others".

Losing Myself...Maybe Too Much
Can we actually lose ourselves too much in the guise of service? I think we can because that is what I've been doing. Taking on so much to keep busy and productive that I have not given myself enough time to take care of....myself.

I once had a woman that I was assigned to visit through church. In the LDS church we call it Visiting Teaching. She was a retired woman who I greatly admired. Her son was my obstetrician and had delivered two of my children. I admired him and knew that a wonderful man like him could only have been raised by an equally wonderful mother.

As I visited this woman each month, I felt inadequate to "teach" her anything. Rather, I went each month eagerly awaiting the nuggets of advice she could give me each time. One month I remember complaining about my overworked, full-time student husband who was never home to help me with our 3 young children. She listened attentively and then said, "You need to take time for yourself."

Stunned, I sat back and started a whole new list of reasons why I couldn't do so. My husband was gone 14-16 hours a day. We couldn't afford babysitters, etc. etc. She smiled and simply stated, "If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be worth anything to your little young family."

I find myself thinking about her advice and how it applies to me today. My family is not so young anymore, but my lack of self-renewal is the same.

So...what will be my next phase of renewal?