Mistake #8 - Do Not Clearly Outline Ownership

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille pages 212-224

When I first read about this "mistake" I have to admit I was a little confused by it. I had never thought of who "owns" Christmas or dinner or the yard. To me these things seemed self-evident. However, after studying this subject in more depth, I realized that we really do seem to"own" certain things in our home and they are often unspoken.

For example, it is obvious to me that parents "own" the family rules, yet in some families everything is decided by the entire family. Another example would be that a child "owns" the cleanliness of their room, but for children who share rooms sometimes certain aspects of the room cleanliness belong to different roommates. It was really interesting to me to sit down and make a list of what we have as unspoken ownerships in our home.

Here is a little list:

• Garage - Dad - We are not allowed to change where things go in the garage. This is Mike's domain!
• Home Education - Each Child - We understand that "teachers teach and students educate". Each child has to choose to be educated, choose to do the work, and choose to pay the price for a quality education. Mom and Dad provide the learning environment, but each person has to do the work to educate themselves.
• Dog - Children - Mom and Dad have given ownership of Maggie the Dog to the kids. If she lives or dies, it is up to them.
• Filing Paperwork - Mom - Mike does not want to touch it and I like to know where everything is.
• Paying Bills - Mom - I like to know where every penny goes. The original bill paying/budgeting system was chosen as a couple and I implement the majority of the plan.
• Yard - Dad - Mike loves making sure the yard looks pretty and I love that he will take care of it.

These are just a few, but I'm sure you get the general idea. We have determined that this works for our family, but families are so different with different personalities that really ANY ownership will work as long as it is defined. The problem comes in when ownership is not clearly defined. When Mike and I were first married we each wanted to implement traditions from our upbringing. Some things were easy to decide to which tradition we would keep, but others were not so easy. It took time to really decide what worked best and whose tradition fit our needs. In some cases it took us 3 years to come to a happy solution.

As for this as a mistake in Scholar Phase, I thought that we needed to sit down and just generally discuss ownership of education. When we did however, the kids blew me away with their depth of understanding they already had about this. They KNEW they owned their education and that only they can educate themselves. I guess it was nice to just reaffirm that this is how it works.

Mistake #7 - Don't Have Them Mentor Younger Siblings

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, pages 212-224

This is an area in which I have struggled to find "younger siblings" for my children to mentor. Last year and for the first months of this year we fostered children, which gave my children a WONDERFUL opportunity to mentor younger "siblings". I saw them blossom and have such fabulous teaching moments. Marly worked hard with Big Boy and Jabber Jaw to teach them colors, ABC's, and counting through play. Chris mentored personal hygiene through helping the little ones brush their teeth, pick out clothes, and put on their shoes. Reading aloud and playing games with these Core Phase little ones brought a great deal of happiness and purpose to our lives. It never ceases to amaze me that the family structure is perfect for mentoring of all ages!

We moved to a new state and are not currently fostering. I am at a loss in many ways to find mentoring situations for my young adults. They have volunteered to work with the nursery children at church during weekday activities and are always happy to babysit. In a way, this is almost enough.

Mistake #6 - Ignore the Written Agreement

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, pages 212-224.

This is an area that I needed to work on. I only had a written agreement with my son that I did two years ago and it had more to do with him choosing to be here than about academic work.. My daughter is so intently particular about her education that I never felt like I needed one with her. I can see that the biggest problem is me. I am a lax mentor at times. I do not always follow through with checking over their progress and their work. In fact, I have about 2 weeks worth of journal writings to read. I tend to procrastinate the feedback part of mentoring. I find that I am more of a "weekly check-in" type of mentor.

Basically I realized I need to get my act together and that this is an area that I am making BIG mistakes in!

I decided to work on written agreements as follows based on the level of Scholar Phase:

Practice Scholar Agreement - see Leadership Education pages197-204.

"Do not make a formal scholar agreement with your student yet; just give her a daily option of doing Scholar studies that are more demanding than her normal Love of Learning schedule. It is not going backwards if she is on for a while, then off. For most kids this is normal and healthier than just going into Scholar and never backtracking into Love of Learning. Expect her to back out numerous times in the first one to two years. Support her when she does." - Leadership Education, pages 202-203

I was relieved after re-reading this passage. My agreement with my son is more of a commitment to educate himself at home since he went back to public school a couple years ago for a few weeks. That agreement was about him choosing to be at home and not bouncing between school and home. It worked really well, but most families will not need this at all unless you are detoxing your children from public school.

The main part of our agreement is a verbal one that study time is between 9am and 5pm...there are NO electronics unless for researching an approved topic or typing up a written assignment. Television is only used for watching items like a recorded Shakespeare play or a classic movie I have chosen as part of their education. After 6pm and all the family work is done, free-time allows for some limited TV and game play.

With Chris, I have found that in the beginning of Practice Scholar he leaned heavily towards Love of Learning and rarely towards Scholar. In the last couple of months he is gaining momentum on Scholar Phase and spends a larger portion of his day studying and reading. I don't have to ask or prod, he just chooses to do so.

Project Scholar Agreement - I am basing these items on Leadership Education pages 204-207. Another factor in considering what to include in a written agreement is learning styles and personal mission.

Responsibilities	Benefits
Family Responsibilities - Your own laundry once a week and Family Work chart as designated.	Ownership of responsibilities, not errands.
Study Hours: Daily: 9am - 5pm Weekly: Mon.- Fri.	Yearly Breaks: June and December Weeks of YW Camp and Youth Conference.
Assignments: Daily - Written summary due 5pm. Weekly - Fill-in own Scholar planner.	Mentoring: Getting a great education. Pursuing your mission with mentoring as needed.
Act like a Young Adult in morality and righteousness.	To be treated like a Young Adult in the home instead of a child.
Act like a Young Adult in continnual nurturing of relationships in the family.	To be included as a Young Adult by parents in settings outside the home, instead of a child.

This is a basic agreement and the one we are putting into practice has some specifics added that apply just to Marly. All I can say is that I am SOOO glad I decided to study the mistakes that can be made in Scholar Phase so that I could correct myself and gain better mentoring habits.

Mistake #5 - Promote a Typical Modern Teenager Social Life

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, pages 212-224

Now, this is where many of my friends start to get uncomfortable. Everyone begins to reminisce about "the good ol' days" and how much fun they had in this club, that sport, and running around with their friends.

"It never ceases to amaze us how ingrained this conveyor-belt mistake is in parents - ourselves included. Maybe it is because the best part of our conveyor-belt education was the social part." - Leadership Education, page 217

Not ALL social is bad, but nor is it all good either.

"Our point is not that Young Adults should be less social. A healthy Young Adult wants more social interaction outside the family than he will seek during any other part of his life." - Leadership Education, page 218

The emphasis is quality socialization. My children have become fairly choosy about their social life. They want to check it out first, meet the people involved, see what the process is and then make an educated decision on if the activity is for them. Sometimes, they blow me away with their insights on why they want to go to certain classes and why they don't want to attend other functions. I realized that the education they are getting really does help them make decisions in their life.

I have noticed in the last two years that my younger children are bothered by unruly "teenager" behavior - at church, at the store, in the neighborhood, etc. They often comment to me about how petty "teenagers" are to them and that they are sick of hearing about who-is-dating-who and what new fashions are "in". Of course, the kids talking are not even old enough to date as my son often points out during Sunday School to his peers of other 12 and 13 year old youth. I know that they are aligning themselves with the right kind of friends, including many public schooled youth.

I did not have a large social life, but my husband did. In the early years of our homeschooling he often commented about the kids "missing out" on football or dances. Now, he has realized that our children participate in lots of great activities and THEY do not feel like they are missing out on anything!

Mistake #4 - Give Them Too Little Non-Academic Work

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, Pages 214-224

In Mistake #1 I wrote about responsibility and how giving youth real responsibility helps them become young adults rather than teenagers. This post is along those same lines. Real responsibility is more than just doing chores, it is giving them complete responsibility for something - animals, areas of the house, mowing the lawn, laundry, getting a younger sibling dressed, etc.

"Part of a young person's education should be training to be an effective, contributing adult. When you treat them like a teenager you just delay this vitally important experience. A good guideline for what responsibilities to give is: How much would he have to do if he were a roommate away at college?" - Leadership Education, page 217

My friend Rachel wrote a fabulous post on teaching children practical skills. My mother-in-law is another quality example of a mother teaching her children to be contributing adults. She raised one daughter and seven sons, all of whom she taught the value of family work and responsibility. Before her children (including all her boys) left her home they knew how to do laundry, cook, iron, sew small items, mow the lawn, dust, clean windows, and every other household cleaning chore imaginable. I was so impressed with one of her middle sons that I decided to marry him. ;-) He could make a better house manager than me any day! I learned a lot from him after we married.

I believe that there are other forms of non-academic work besides those in the home. We downsized after our last move. We do not have as many animals (down to one dog now) and the lawn is even mowed for us. We do not have foster children either at this time. All of the things I used to assign my children for non-academic work have disappeared. I realized that we need to make some changes...fast!

We are now turning our focus to service. I've asked my children to think of things they can do to serve in the community. Some things we are looking into is the animal shelter, community garden, food banks, etc. If you have any other ideas for us, please post them!

Mistake #3 - Give Them Too Much Non-Academic Work

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, pages 214-216

"They cannot get to Scholar Phase education if you will not let them." - Leadership Education, page 215

I remember having this problem when I was growing up. I loved reading! It was the highlight of my life in middle and high school. I loved to bring home the maximum number of books from the school library and read all afternoon and evening long. Often, I would go to the library during lunch to exchange my books throughout the week. I was well known in the library and the librarian would often recommend other titles for me to read based on the books I liked. She was probably my most beloved mentor during that period of my life.

At home, I was the oldest of seven children. My parents struggled and my home life was less than ideal. My mother often suffered from depression and would lock herself in her room once I got home from school. From the time I got home until my father came home (sometimes until I went to bed) I was in charge. The burden of parenting fell on my shoulders often and my beloved books, and often my homework, would have to wait. There were times when I was told to "stop wasting my time reading books" and "get up off my butt and help the family." Another favorite of my father's was to "stop hiding" in my books. My childhood was shortened and my responsibility towards the family dominated my life until I left home at an early age.

My story is extreme, but it happens to a lesser extent in many homes.

"Young people who read all day are not lazy. They are students. And it is tempting to want to help them "balance" their lives. But compared to the non-scholar generation they are living in, and the level of leadership that will be required to face upcoming generational challenges, these few youth are the "balance". And we need thousands more to achieve a good balance. There are only a few of them in America, it is true, but there should be more. And if you happen to have one in your home, or three or four, you have done something right. But do not shut them down. Let them do it!" - Leadership Education, page 216

Because of my own experience, I do not think I have done this to my children. Even when we had foster children with severe emotional and behavioral needs, I worked hard to limit my dependency on my older children to help. That does not mean that they didn't help, because they did (they need to mentor others some of the time), but if I could do it myself...I did it myself. It is tempting to ask them to help often, they are so handy to have around!

We did have our children mentor the foster children at times, paying special attention to Structure Time not Content. During our official study hours, I did not ask my children to help the younger children. During non-study times, they were sometimes asked to mentor a younger child in getting ready, picking out clothes, playing games, eating their food, etc. My main focus was not to burden my children with what is my responsibility.

Note: You may be wondering about other types non-academic work...we'll talk about that in the next few posts.

Mistake #2 - Start Them Too Early

Oliver DeMille in Leadership Education stated that starting kids too early in any phase of learning "is committed the most frequently of all the mistakes." I have found this to be one of the mistakes I have made the most often as well. Why? I think it is because we are so used to Conveyor-belt testing, grade levels, and "norms" that we find ourselves easily thinking, "my child should be doing ___________ by now". Mentoring parents can easily make this mistake at ALL of the transitions between phases, especially between Core and Love of Learning, and Love of Learning and Scholar. It's kind of like putting the cart before the horse.

Even the prodigy who reads and plays piano at age three needs a full and wonderful Core Phase. Part of Core is discovery and play, so your brilliant son can discover and play at caluculus or physics or literary analysis at age five if he wants, but do not put him in Scholar until the Core Lessons are fully and clearly learned. Right and wrong, good and bad, true and false are lessons that exceptionally intelligent and gifted people often struggle with, so if your child is a prodigy he likely needs a longer, fuller Core Phase than anyone else. In play time he can study whatever he wants. - Leadership Education, pages 213-214

I am not sure any of my children are prodigies per se, they are all very talented human beings with abilities that stretch far beyond anything I have ever taught them. I have found that once a child has shown a certain level of genius about a topic I seem to want to expect that same level of genius every time they engage in that topic. I believe that is the folly here, expecting brilliance every time a child shows interest or genius in a subject, talent, or project. Much of the Core and Love of Learning phase is spent exploring...trying things out...and yes, occasionally knocking our socks off with what they can do.

The concern is expectation. It seems to me that our expectations are what push us to want to start children too early in a phase rather than allowing them to want to be in that phase all the time. It is easy to tell when we are pushing...a time of "Hate of Learning" seems to come creeping in. I heard things like, "you take all the fun out of everything" or "I don't want to read __________" or "I hate math". It was time to back off and evaluate what I was doing and why. Sometimes swallowing my pride and expectations is what I needed to do. Sometimes I just needed to switch things up with more hands-on activities or fieldtrips.

Has this ever happened to you?

Mistake #1 - Treat them like teenagers, instead of Young Adults

Reference: Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, page 212-213

I should start out by saying that I have three children ages 18, 15, and 13, but I have one teenager and two young adults. My sweet Sam (18) was never homeschooled and attended public schools throughout her education. She is very much a teenager in her views on life and her outlook. As much as I have tried to instill Leadership Education principles in her, she also has lived part of her life with her father (we are divorced) and was not always in our home. These competing parental styles have been confusing for her and so I do not blame her in any way for being a teenager. I simply state this so that readers can understand that I have BOTH and WHY I have both.

"In the modern family, it takes both parents and youth to make a young adult. Only the parent can truly pass on responsibility, and only the youth can choose to fulfill it." - Leadership Education, page 213

I have found this to be profoundly true. If parents coddle their children and never expect and GIVE the youth true responsibility, then how can the youth perform as such? My biggest mistake was in allowing my children to be coddled and not following through with the expectations given them. For a long time I never gave them any real responsibility (just little chores), even now I catch myself wanting to remind my children of what is expected, rather than allowing the natural consequences of their actions to be the guide. I have done much better at this in recent years, but not soon enough for my oldest child.

Over the past two years we have turned over several items of responsibility to our youth:

1. One was complete care of our animals, previously chickens, rabbits, and a dog. We now only have a dog, but they completely care for the animals - feeding, bathing, nail clipping, etc. The consequence of not caring for the dog is the dog may die if not fed, smells is she is not bathed and has to stay outside, and if her nails are not clipped she again has to stay outside so she does not scratch the wood flooring. Their love of the dog usually keeps these items accomplished so she rarely stays outside.
2. Our youth are also assigned zones in which they are to complete a list of daily tasks in that zone. The consequence of not doing their assigned zones is loss of privilege - mostly related to being driven places that are not for the family (friends houses, stores, etc.) and loss of what little electronic privileges they have. They have been told to do these things every day and there have been days when a youth is scrubbing pots at 11pm...the whole family does not need to suffer without pots and pans because of one person.

Consequence

To prove my point on natural consequences, I decided to give my children a taste of what happens when one person in the family fails to do their part. At the time I had responsibility for making the meals in our home. I told the children that dinner would be served at 5:30pm IF everyone had done their jobs. Well, they forgot all about that and went about their day procrastinating. Nobody really thought anything about it until about 6:00pm when someone said, "Mom, where's dinner?" I smiled and kept reading a book. Within 15 minutes everyone was groaning about "starving to death" and how "mom doesn't love" them anymore. Eventually they realized that I had not made dinner because everyone had shirked their jobs (the discussion was quite comical). They completed their jobs and we ate that night about 8pm. The next night we ate at 6:30pm and pretty much every day after that dinner was at the appointed 5:30pm. 

The hardest thing for me was to follow through. Like the quote above, a parent has to do their part in making young adults.

The Top Eight Mistakes Parents Make with Scholar Phase

Recently I was skimming through Leadership Education by Oliver and Rachel DeMille, looking for areas in which to improve my mentoring techniques when I came across pages 212-224 about "The Top Eight Mistakes Parents Make with Scholar Phase". Considering the fact that all my children are now in Scholar phase (varying levels) I figured this was a good place to study again.

Here is a list of the mistakes:

1. Treat them like teenagers, instead of young adults.
2. Start them too early.
3. Give them too much non-academic work.
4. Give them too little non-academic work.
5. Promote a typical modern teenager social life.
6. Ignore the written agreement.
7. Don't have them mentor younger siblings.
8. Do not clearly outline ownership.

I am very pumped about the paradigm shift that is happening in our home. I have spent so much time studying what to do that I have overlooked some of the things not to do. Over the next week or so I will be sharing more of what I have discovered in addition to what I have read, giving more of a "how this worked in my home" look at the mistakes many well-meaning mentoring parents make with their youth. I should know, I've made a few of them myself!