Modeling Gender Roles

One aspect of an excellent education that I believe is most overlooked is Gender Roles. In the past, it seemed these were practically automatic. Boys went out to the fields to help father or apprenticed with a mentor in a trade while girls baked, cleaned, sewed and tended children by their mother's side. It was so much a part of family life that I don't believe anyone had to tell parents to teach gender roles.

In our current society, we see so much mixture of Gender Roles that as a youth I really had no clue what they were. As the oldest child (unfortunately a girl to boot), I was sent off after school to help my father in his printing business. I learned all about printing presses, layout and design, making negative images to burn plates for the press, and how to manage ink dispersement on a four color press. All wonderful things to become a future printer...but absolutely nothing useful to become a wife and mother.  My sister, on the other hand, stayed home to help my mother. She learned to cook and do things I wished I could stay home to do.

What is interesting is that my sister is now the full-time bread earner and I am the stay-at-home mom. I never wanted the role of business woman and she is doing it out of necessity as a single mother. She still makes the best desserts hands down! I started my married life unable to cook and had poor cleaning skills. I did have lots of experience for tending children (got a lot of practice with that as the oldest of seven children), but had almost no other practical household skills and had to learn it all "the hard way".

Further delving into this trend of lost Gender Roles is the disintegration of the family. My family and I saw "Mars Needs Moms" several weeks ago. I had no interest in the movie at all until I actually saw it and realized the message. If you get a chance to rent this movie, I highly recommend it. I was pleased to see a movie that shows what can happen to a society, albeit fictional society, that eliminates the family unit all together.

So the question becomes for me, how do I model Gender Roles when I grew up with such mixed ideas on gender?


The answer is always the same --- study!

1. Study what the question is.
2. Look for classics in the subject by asking others and looking for mentors.
3. Read the classics in the subject.
4. Makes notes, plans, and goals.
5. Then, begin to make the changes in my life to implement the changes I know need to happen.
6. Assess my progress every six months as part of the Six Month Inventory process.

Some of the classics I've been studying for Feminine Roles are:

1. "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin
2. Scriptures - especially those of wholesome women
3. Church magazines - for LDS folks that is the Ensign and New Era.
4. Pretty much all of Jane Austen's books.
5. Little House on the Prairie series.
6. "A Girl of the Limberlost" by Gene Stratton-Porter
7. "Behind Every Good Man" by John Bytheway
8. All of Louisa May Alcott's books.

My favorite by far is "Fascinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. I believe this could be the best classic for learning how to be feminine and how to model it for others. As I've implemented the changes I need to make, I've seen such a growth in love and companionship within my marriage. My husband commented recently that we are the happiest we've ever been!  This brought tears to my eyes after 18 years of marriage...so many others in our families are experiencing separation and divorce.

The Lessons

On our recent trip to Arizona to visit family for Christmas, some people noticed some of the changes I've put in place in my behavior as a woman. I allowed my husband to make all of the decisions in regards to his family functions. One sister-in-law came to me and expressed her frustration with trying to organize 20 people to all be at the same time to do the same thing. She complained about the men not making a definitive decisions and that we (her and I) should make it for them. I turned to her and said, "My husband will decide what to say to his family and I'll do as he wishes." She was taken aback, for the former me would have jumped in to tell my husband what he should do with his family.

I was frustrated with the situation and waited until later to discuss with my husband the trial he had faced that day. Because I did not interfere, he came to his own conclusions about how to deal with his family in similar circumstances in the future. If I had stepped in and tried to be in control, it would have likely backfired and embarrassed my husband while causing a fight between us. Having patience is one of those feminine traits I have worked hard to learn.

On another occasion, a brother-in-law came to me to discuss making plans. I put up my hands and said, "My husband is the boss of me in this matter, you'll have to ask him what he has in mind." Several people out right stared at me, not knowing what to think of that. A few days later my mother-in-law commented about my "boss of me" statement. She wondered what I meant by that. I simply explained that my husband and I had agreed that during this trip he would make the plans with his family and I would make the plans with mine. This way we would each deal directly with our own immediate families and avoid hard feelings.

I guess you can tell by these examples that in the past we have argued about our dealings with each other's immediate family. What I found the most interesting is how shocked our families were with the changes in us. I guess the changes I've made are more apparent than I thought. It was interesting to see the reactions of these beloved family members. Many of the women in the family seem to "wear the pants", which I know causes contention in their marriages and embarrassment amongst the brothers. I feel so awful that I used to contribute to that!

Another post will be coming about modeling masculine roles.