Renegotiating - Hope

This post is part of a set about Renegotiating Core Phase lessons. I decided to expound upon the two examples given in the post linked above and add a bit more explanation, as well as add more Core Phase lessons. This topic of renegotiating Core Phase is one that is extremely important, especially for those just learning about TJED. I floundered for two years trying to figure this stuff out and I hope that my experiences might at least give one person the courage to keep trying.

Hope

If something happens that eliminates our hope...then we have a Core Phase lesson to work on to renegotiate ourselves back to having hope. In Erickson's stages of development (see Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning pages 23-26), having hope is something that should be learned around the age of 1 year old.

The ways to teach, or renegotiate this lesson, is to have a) lots of physical contact and b) respond immediately when they cry or fuss.

But, what do you do with the depressed or grieving teen or adult? We do the same thing, but in grown-up ways.

• Offer hugs and a shoulder to cry on as often as needed. 
• Never belittle their worries, fears, or struggles.
• Constantly inquire after their needs to make sure we do everything we can to help.
• Be aware of things that trigger depressive states (see list below).
• Be aware of things that bring happiness and lift their attitude.
• Provide as many uplifting experiences as we can.
• Praise good attitude behaviors.

A key factor for returning to Hope is to remove things that promote a hopeless state of mind. Our minds are constantly fed by images and sound. Even if we are not consciously aware of what is around us, our subconscious will pick-up on the real messages these things carry. 

Areas to review and reassess for removing unwanted negativity:

Movies/TV

Remove movies and television shows that have violent and/or depressive themes. Find movies and TV that are uplifting and teach good values to replace them. Find those older classic shows. Local libraries often have these on DVD to check out for free. There are also many older classics available on Hulu and Netflix.

Limit these positive role model movies and television. Whatever has been allowed in the home before, reduce it by at least half. That sounds drastic, but it can be filled by other activities that are inspiring.

Music

Remove music that is violent or has depressive themes, especially those that demean or devalue sex and members of the opposite sex. Also remove all music with cursing or themes about drug abuse. These are always meant to bring the mood down, never to uplift.

Music plays a major role in reversing mood. Choose uplifting music and play it softly in the background throughout the day. Find a song or set of songs that are especially meaningful for uplifting each person's mood. Make a favorites CD to play whenever the family member(s) feels down.

Religious music is especially helpful in lifting mood. Even certain instrumentals have been found to lower blood pressure and create peaceful feelings. Having a theme song for your family is something fun to work on. When my children were young we sang "If You Chance to Meet a Frown". Now we use "I Am Wonderful" by Gary Go (lyrics).

Books
Remove books that are not uplifting, especially adult material and horror. Again, fill the book shelves with uplifting classics. Some books where people overcome difficult things in their life can spark that switch in thinking to help the depressed person begin to have confidence in themselves to overcome their own problems. In some cases, there are self-help books that also might be helpful.

See my post titled "Reading Leads to Less Depression?"

Video Games
Video games and other time wasters online are a leading contributor to depression and loss of hope. Reduce the amount of time spent on these endeavors and get rid of violent and depressing games altogether. Mature and above rated games are full of images that bring on depression and hopelessness.

Reduce the amount of video game time by at least half. Remove personal devices from bedrooms and bring them out to the family room. Often, depressed teens will hibernate in their rooms when what they really need is their family to be around them.

A good resource for learning more about the dangers of video gaming is Boys Adrift: The Five Factors Driving the Growing Epidemic of Unmotivated Boys and Underachieving Young Men. 

Friends/Peers

Sometimes teens and adults get involved with friends or peers that contribute to their feelings of hopelessness. Clean-up those relationships by setting clear boundaries or get rid of them altogether. Do not spend time with people who belittle, bully, or encourage their friends to break the law or engage in sinful activities.

This includes online friends and social networking sites. A lot of trash is transmitted through online sources that lead to hopelessness and depression. Find out who is talking, texting, emailing or Facebooking members in the family. It might feel like spying, but it is part of a parents and spouses job to make sure the family members are safe and happy.

Another area to look into is the types of activities that are engaged in with friends. Many times teens now want to hang out indoors rather than engage in wholesome activities outside. Encourage and plan things that get youth out to enjoy the world we live in. Some favorites of ours are hiking, fishing, biking, and just taking the dog for walks.

Harmful Substances
Alcohol, street drugs, and over-the counter drug abuse always lead to loss of hope. These addictions need to be dealt with in the proper way with a support system and counseling. If a loved one is dealing with these addictions, get help for them. Do not be an enabler who looks the other way.

Harmful Situations
In some cases, people allow themselves to be in harmful situations with abusers or other unsafe people. Removing harmful people from one's life is a difficult thing to do, but it is of utmost importance in order to return to hope. If someone is in an abusive situation, get help. Staying in long-term abusive relationships keeps both people from healing.