Renegotiating - Will Power (Motivation)

This is another segment on Renegotiating Core Phase lessons. First see The Beauty of Core Phase if you have not already to better explain the misconceptions of Core Phase.

Will Power (Motivation)

Sometimes, and often at the same time, as a person begins to feel hope again, they notice they have a lack of motivation or will power. Sometimes people feel hope, but don't fully feel happy about themselves due to lack of will power. In Erickson's stages of development (see Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning pages 23-26), having will power is something that should be learned between the ages of 1 and 3 years old.

The ways to teach these lessons are a) give simple choices, b) do not give false choices, c) set clear, consistent, reasonable limits, and d) be relaxed with mood swings.

With the teen or adult we could:

• Be clear with our statements about what we expect.
• Never expect the person to "read your mind" or "know what you mean".
• Have a sense of humor about things that don't matter very much.
• Meet on a regular basis (Family Executive Counsel and Mentor Meetings) to discuss issues and solutions. Avoid doing so in the heat of the moment.
• Accept the person as a work in progress, raising the bar of expectations in small increments as they have success.
• Encourage the person to record their successes in a journal.

Clear Statements

Have you ever heard the story about a mother who tells her child to stay out of the street. After watching the child for awhile she see the child head directly into the street. She rushes out to save the child from nearly being hit by a car. In a frantic moment she says, "I told you to stay out of the street!" The child then innocently says, "What's a street?"

Often parents believe their child has had clear instructions, when in reality, the child has no understanding of what is expected. It is imperative that we instruct a child on their level of understanding, including teens and adults. Some examples may be clear instructions on time usage, scheduling, and household rules. Teens are very skillful at dissecting rules for "loop holes".

Examples:

Wrong - "Get your chores done before bed."

Right - "All of your family work must be done by 9pm."

The young adult may think they can avoid going to bed by dragging out family work time. With a time set as a deadline, the parent avoids going back and forth over when bed time is.

Wrong - "If you get your study time done, you can go to a friend's house."

Right - "When your study time is over at 3pm, you can go to a friend's house."

Saying "if" creates the possibility of getting out of doing a task, it is one of those "loop holes" teens look for. Using "when" suggests that it is not a matter of whether they do it or not, but that it must be done before another task can happen.

Reading Our Minds

In the book, Secrets of the Teenage Brain: Research-Based Strategies for Reaching and Teaching Today's Adolescents, states that logic centers in the brain are not fully formed until around the age of 21. Youth before that age respond more with their amygdala (emotion center) than adults. Adults have difficulty fathoming why youth respond so emotionally and cannot "connect the dots" when given instructions. This is why it is imperative that we help the young adult, and adults with immature brains, to learn how to connect the dots by explaining it to them with all the steps involved.

Sometimes, the youth may respond with "I'm not a baby! I can do it myself!" When this is heard, we have gone a little too far. One rule of thumb may be to explain the first time. The second time, ask how they plan to do it. If the plan is sound, let them go at it. If the plan is missing steps, ask "How do you plan to ...." When explained in this way, the youth will often say, "Oh, yeah...I forgot that part." or "Yea, I know." They may not know, but at least they got that step included now.

Sense of Humor

Shaking off the things that are not important is a valuable coping skill. Learning to laugh off the small stuff is a healthy way to respond to life's little hiccups. The best way to teach this is to do it yourself. Laughing at small spills, missed turns on the road, or silly mistakes when cooking all show an ability to find the humor in life.

Be careful not to laugh at the person who lacks will power or motivation. This will come across as cruel or condescending.

FEC and Mentor Meetings
Challenging a youth or adult who lacks will power in the heat of the moment is a sure fire way to get someone to put up an immediate defensive wall. When addressing an issue, it is better to wait until a scheduled Mentor Meeting or Family Executive Counsel time. By doing so, we diffuse any anger or resentment. The Mentor Meeting is the perfect time to both praise acceptable improvements and exceptional achievements as well as address areas that need improvement.

Remember, the youth or adult who lacks internal motivation is working on Core Phase lessons. Do not expect Love of Learning to be present or Scholar Phase attention to be reached.

Work in Progress

It is important to remember that the youth or adult working on will power is a work in progress. It is tempting when we see some progress to amp up the expectations. This can cause an immediate reversal of progress. Let the person showing progress continue at that level of expectation until it becomes habit. After the habit is formed, then step up the expectation in a small increment.

Some examples:

Johnny says he hates reading and all books are stupid. One day he finally picks up a classic, Louis L'Amour's The Daybreakers, and begins to read it. The excited mother runs to the library and brings home 10 more books by Louis L'Amour. 

It is obvious the mother is excited about this first step towards Love of Learning or Scholar Phase, but overkill in enthusiasim can cause reverses. Instead, when the child has finished the mother could ask how her son liked it, is that a type of story he would recommend to another boy or a friend, and is it a classic. Then, if he likes the story, she could ask if he would like others by the same author. Don't be discouraged if he says "no". The perceptive youth is likely to back off of expectations of more reading. When will power is established as a habit, the youth will request for more books by the author.

The Success Journal
The success journal is a powerful tool in helping both youth and adults. If they do not like to write, consider a simple list of what they accomplished that day. I've seen great insights reached by youth who begin to be inspired by their own list of accomplishments each day. Seeing it on paper can bring the realization that they are more motivated than they thought. Remember, the teen brain is still growing in logical thinking.

For a very reluctant youth or adult, consider keeping the list for them. I've used a weekly planner to track simple notations of what was accomplished each day. Showing that to my children at Mentor Meetings and at FEC has shown that more is happening than it sometimes appears. Over time, have the youth take over their own tracking in a simple planner. This can bring a great sense of accomplishment as they see over time their progress and their ability to stay on task with more complicated study time.

Summary
Will power is a Core Phase lesson than many teens and adults struggle with their whole life. Things like obesity and addictions are proof of that. Having will power of internal motivation for education is a learned habit. It is something we may need to revisit often over our life, I know I have.