Renegotiating Core Phase

In TJED circles we sometimes hear the phrase "renegotiating Core Phase". What does that mean? We all are imperfect beings after all, does that mean I'm always in Core Phase? Am I always working on myself? Will I ever be a Scholar?

The answers are pretty much.....yes!

Yes, you will always be in Core Phase.

Yes, you will always be working on yourself.

Yes, you will be a Scholar if you put in the work.

Isn't that comforting? Some may feel like a huge weight lifts off their shoulders and others will feel that a new weight is piled on. For answers to always being in Core Phase, first take a look at a post on the misconceptions of Core Phase.

Sometimes something happens to us that puts us back in Core Phase. It could be a bad decision, abuse, being bullied, a death, a divorce, loss of a job, etc. These things are often out of our control. But, sometimes they are consequences of our actions. Either way, if we are to pursue our Path of Mission, then we must renegotiate the things that are missing and fill in the missing lessons.

Examples:

Hope

If something happens that eliminates our hope...then we have a Core Phase lesson to work on to renegotiate ourselves back to having hope. In Erickson's stages of development (see Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning pages 23-26), having hope is something that should be learned around the age of 1 year old. The ways to teach, or renegotiate this lesson, is to have a) lots of physical contact and b) respond immediately when they cry or fuss.

But, what do you do with the depressed teen or the grieving adult? We do the same thing, but in grown-up ways.

• Offer hugs and a shoulder to cry on as often as needed. 
• Never belittle their worries, fears, or struggles.
• Constantly inquire after their needs to make sure we do everything we can to help.
• Be aware of things that trigger depressive states.
• Be aware of things that bring happiness and lift their attitude.
• Provide as many uplifting experiences as we can.
• Praise good attitude behaviors.

Will Power (Motivation)

Sometimes, and often at the same time, as a person begins to feel hope again, they notice they have a lack of motivation or will power. Sometimes people feel hope, but don't fully feel happy about themselves due to lack of will power. In Erickson's stages of development (see Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning pages 23-26), having will power is something that should be learned between the ages of 1 and 3 years old. The ways to teach these lessons are a) give simple choices, b) do not give false choices, c) set clear, consistent, reasonable limits, and d) be relaxed with mood swings.

With the teen or adult we could:

• Be clear with our statements about what we expect.
• Never expect the person to "read your mind" or "know what you mean".
• Have a sense of humor about things that don't matter very much.
• Meet on a regular basis (Family Executive Counsel) to discuss issues and solutions. Avoid doing so in the heat of the moment.
• Accept the person as a work in progress, raising the bar of expectations in small increments as they have success.
• Encourage the person to record their successes in a journal.

Summary

These are just two examples of renegotiating lessons of Core Phase. There are many, many more. I will be adding to this list over the next few months.